Editor’s note: This is the third part of a three-part series on teens, college and families.

 

In my previous articles in this series, I discussed the adjustments that parents need to make when their teen leaves for college, which includes the need to recognize that younger siblings are also having struggles. In this article, I am focusing on how parents can help their family’s adjustment when their teen attends college locally and lives at home.

During my senior year of high school I applied and was accepted to a school several hours away. Late in the year, I was badly injured in a car accident, and my plans fell apart. I remained at home for a year and attended the local community college. It was the right decision, but I was devastated, as I was READY to leave home, be free of my parents, and do whatever first year college students do when left to make their own decisions.

Like me, countless high school graduates continue living at home after high school, rather than go away for school. Be it for financial, medical, or any of many other reasons, community colleges are often the best option for recent graduates.

In spite of this, it’s important to anticipate that many of the same difficulties that arise when your teen leaves for college will exist, and your family will go through an adjustment period. Rather than risk unnecessary conflict, it’s best to be proactive and have a frank conversation, in which you both share your concerns, hopes and expectations and listen to your teen’s responses.

A good starting point is to help your teen make plans and set goals for this year and beyond. Much that you’d hope that he or she would transfer to U.C. Berkeley, it’s crucial to recognize that your teen is an adult and needs to make decisions on his or her own. Thus your job is to guide and support him or her in whatever the goals may be (within reason,) rather than trying to force your agenda.

On a practical level, it’s crucial to discuss changes in your teen’s schedule and the impact they will have on the family. With night classes, study groups and social outings, it makes sense that your teen will be coming and going pretty frequently. Although your teen shouldn’t have the same flexibility as he or she would have if living in the dorms, it makes sense to extend or discontinue curfew. At the same time, you shouldn’t have to tiptoe around the house, as you get ready for work, just because your teen wants to sleep until noon.

Another topic is household responsibilities. Even though much of your teen’s time will be spent outside the house, it’s important that he or she be an active member of the family. If, for example, your teen has always fed the dog and taken out the trash, the responsibilities shouldn’t change, just because college has begun. And if you feel strongly about the family having dinner together on Sunday nights, it’s realistic to insist that this continue.

It’s also crucial to discuss finances. As much as community colleges are much more affordable than universities, it’s important to recognize that your teen’s expenses will increase significantly. Regardless of your expectations regarding financial contributions, it’s important to discuss the issue honestly. Your teen is now an adult, and this is the perfect opportunity to educate him or her on adult responsibilities.

Ultimately, your teen’s graduation and move into college, regardless of the location of his or her school, will be a period of great transition, and challenges are inevitable. In order to minimize the difficulties and shorten the adjustment period, frank conversations are important. If both you and your teen are able to speak openly and listen to the other, this period will be as easy as possible.

steve@rivercitycounseling.com

Growing up, my father talked once in a while about his college days in Milwaukee. He helped pay his way through school by working at a brewery where the happy hours were free, started at break times, and continued after work. Were there times when he drank too much and rolled home in a particularly giddy mood? Probably, but in the end your guess is as good as mine.

 

I can remember wanting to ask more questions, particularly after I started bending and breaking rules as a teen. But I never did because of some sort of unspoken rule that it wasn’t OK to ask him such personal questions. The line was clear: parents were parents and kids were kids.

 

We all know that times have changed. Teens have 24-hour access to information, including as many juicy details as they can stomach. If they’re getting daily updates on Tiger’s sexual escapades, then it’s not a leap for them to want to know all there is to know about their parents’ pasts. In fact, many teens believe that the Freedom of Information Act was written with them in mind.

 

Keep in mind that your teens are curious and want your guidance, and it’s your job to do your best to prepare them for adulthood and making responsible decisions. It’s appropriate to share information about your past, but you need to think about what and why you share. As you consider how to respond, there are several thoughts to keep in mind.

 

Be aware that we all have events from our past that feel uncomfortable or shameful. If you’re hesitant or not ready to answer their questions, by all means don’t. Tell your teens that they’re asking good questions, but you’re not going to answer them. Then hold firm and don’t give in to their persistent questioning.

 

It’s also important to answer only the question that’s asked. Anticipating and answering questions that haven’t been asked can have unintended consequences. If your daughter asks you if you ever knew anybody who got pregnant by accident, answer briefly and then wait patiently for her next question. If you get anxious and keep talking, you could blurt out information like, “Yeah, it happened to a friend and she dropped out of high school. I’m worried that this is going to happen to you, too.”

 

By making this assumption, you’d miss a valuable opportunity to help your daughter. Perhaps her concerns are really about her friend, and you’ve both drawn an incorrect conclusion and missed an opportunity to provide important information. And if she is pregnant, she’s going to need ongoing support, not negative predictions for her future.

 

Finally, be clear on why you’re answering questions. If you share personal information as a way of opening up a dialogue and teaching a lesson, do so carefully. However, if you’re answering and finding yourself enjoying the memories, rather than focusing on what you hope your teen will learn, stop. Your teens are asking because they’re curious and want to learn from your experiences. They’re really not interested in your “glory days.”

 

Looking back, I wonder if I might have made different choices had I known more about what my father did and the mistakes he made. I’ll never know, but I am aware that today’s parents have many opportunities to share valuable information and influence their teen’s choices. Just be clear on what and why you’re sharing.

 

Steve DeBenedetti-Emanuel is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in the Sacramento area. Steve’s columns appear periodically in the Valley Community Newspapers. Ask Steve your questions – e-mail him at steve@rivercitycounseling.com.

Normally this space is reserved for advice for parents with teens; this week will be different. I’m speaking to adults who plan to spend the holidays with their parents and siblings and giving tips to help them survive and enjoy the holidays. Recently, my client “Dave” has been worried about his yearly visit to Southern California. He and his wife and kids are spending Christmas with his parents and siblings and staying for a few days afterwards. As Dave is a chef, the unspoken expectation is that he’s going to prepare a lavish feast. And for the last eight years, he has. While others relax, he spends the entire day cooking, getting little help from anyone but his mother and wife. By the time the celebration starts, he’s resentful, exhausted and in no mood to celebrate. And others fulfill their roles. His brother socializes, doesn’t even offer to help, and drinks too much. His sister snaps at everyone and leaves in a huff. His father tells loud, inappropriate jokes that make others uncomfortable. Dave wants things to be different this year. He has already told his parents that he’s taking the year off from cooking. He has suggested either a potluck or going to a restaurant. He has also made plans to take his wife and kids to Disneyland for a couple of days. He then plans to return to his parents’ house for their last night before heading home. Just as Dave is trying a new strategy this year, each of us has to figure out what to do differently, to increase the chance of enjoying the holidays with our families. Here are some thoughts to keep in mind as you prepare to go. It’s OK to break lifelong patterns of behavior. There’s nothing like time spent with family for you to suddenly find yourself talking and acting like you did when you were a teenager living at home. When you realize you’re doing this, gently remind yourself that you are now an adult, and as long as you aren’t rude or inconsiderate, you are free to behave however you want. Be aware that your siblings and parents are also likely to repeat their lifelong patterns. The brother who has always said mean things in order to knock you down will probably try to do the same this year. Remind yourself not to take his bait. Instead, take a deep breath and respond to him as calmly and kindly as possible. Eventually, he’ll lose interest and pester others. Despite the inevitable pressure to be together for EVERY MINUTE of your visit, take breaks from your family. Be it spending an evening with a friend, heading away overnight, or just taking a walk around the block after dinner, if you spend some time away from your family you’re more likely to enjoy your time with them. Regardless of what you plan to do differently, be aware that you will probably feel the pressure to act like you always have. If you stick to your guns and do what makes you (and your spouse and children) happy, rather than giving in and feeling badly afterwards, it’s likely that you’ll leave feeling satisfied and (almost) ready for next year. Steve DeBenedetti-Emanuel is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in the Sacramento area. Steve’s columns appear periodically in the Valley Community Newspapers. Ask Steve your questions – e-mail him at steve@rivercitycounseling.com.